I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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