i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
