if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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