My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
