hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
