How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
