so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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