when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
