I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
