he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
