I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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