i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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