i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
