Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
