im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
