I heard we made out
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
