I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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