theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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