I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
