I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
