someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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