I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
