Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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