I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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