but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
