I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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