Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
