You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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