I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
