Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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