Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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