my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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