i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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