tonight lets celebrate not being married
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
