I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
