Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
