3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
