I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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