By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
