Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
