i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
