The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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