I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the condom got lost in my hair
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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