I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you had me at cake vodka
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You ruined the universe
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
