Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
