I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
