He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
