so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
