why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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