Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
