3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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