Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
